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I really am not sure why I am writing all of this down. After all, I don’t think I am bored or anything like that.
Lately I have gone to see Doctor Tomlinson less and less, he is a therapist and a pretty good one. We had sessions that were interesting, he dug around inside of me somehow, made me tell him everything.
The way I was back then I would have thought that it could not be done. Somehow sitting here at a keyboard and jotting down memories as they pop into my mind helps, just like visiting with Doctor Tomlinson helped me.
What he got me to say, combined with some medication was like sliding back a blanket, the only thing between me and the world.
I was safe underneath the blanket that covered me, so close to reality yet so very far away.
I jotted all that went before down in my first stories, but briefly what happened to me was a man I loved and trusted, the man that held me, told me he loved me, hurt me beyond belief.
Until that very moment I would have said that nothing like that could ever happen. He was like the only light in a room, he was my entire world.
I would have done anything he wanted, anything he asked of me.
Good Doctors with hands I describe as magic rebuilt my face, they created me. Other Doctors corrected the hollow spot where my ribs were smashed from when my husband kicked me as I lay there helpless. How, I am not completely sure, they left no marks or scars, just the thin line low down under my jawline.
There are odd sensations, I cannot feel my hands touch my face, half of my tongue lacks feeling, also. That is a problem it took me awhile to get used to, I often bit myself at first but now I don’t. My nose itches, I take care to not let rubbing it become a habit. It itches yet I cannot feel my fingers rub the itch.
October the 24th of 2004 Meridith walked out into her new world. I held my head high, for all the world I was a strong and confident woman. The fear was hidden deep inside.
Michelle, the naive and soft young woman I was before, I let her die. That was deliberate, intentional. Michelle just could not have ever managed life again.
Meridith Anders could. It was like I was born again, no one who ever knew me before would recognize me now.
The doctors had a canvas, they got to experiment, create whatever they wanted. They built a face that could bless any magazine cover in the world.
That is not a statement of vanity, it is a simple fact. I see myself in the mirror, I see what still appears to be a total stranger. Perhaps one day I will get used to that, as yet it is always a small surprise when I see who I am now.
The good doctors also used the opportunity to adjust my body, my crushed side required repairs. My bust enhancements were just something they did, sometimes I think of those years and wonder if the good doctors were simply having fun.
A few of you emailed to ask how much is truth? I changed the names that are real, I changed the locations. The rest is as close as I can come to explaining. I am writing it down as I remember, my purpose is to try and explain how easy it is to destroy a life, how perversions can lead to something terrible.
Some of you men are to be feared, I read your writings, see your fantasies, I know about you.
My name? It is really Meridith.
I walked out into the world that cool October day, there was no family, and any friends I knew before were long gone. I had no desire at all to renew any of those friendships.
Becoming a sexual surrogate was not really my intent, the idea of that never crossed my mind. In fact, I was done with men, with relationships, I was done with sexuality with a male.
I had decided that no man would ever touch me, not and live. That thought was in my mind.
I had my own ways to satisfaction. Merciless teasing, hate and lust. It is very close to exactly the same thing. Some of that was for revenge, I actually do know now that I blamed all men. No matter what they said, or how nice they acted, I knew for a fact what any of them could do.
I was just looking for some kind of work and I had no skills at all. Then I saw that advertisement, I applied.
I knew what was involved, I would say I did not care but that would be a lie. I thought that in a safe setting, impersonal, that would be a completely different thing.
Not one time did I ever fuck one of my clients, until I met Mark. Rather, they fucked me, it is a completely different thing. In my mind, I was withholding myself from them, untouched.
It was like a revenge. Like the Masseuse that masturbates a client, thinking only of the tip? Thus a penis, pressed inside me?
No different than when I wash myself. Emotionless, nothing. Withheld completely, that was a vengeance to me.
I know now that this was really messed up.
I also knew why I was hired, it was because of the rebuilt face, my rebuilt body. Like I mentioned, the doctors were very good. I knew that by the standards of men I was beautiful, far more canlı bahis so than before.
You would need to look very closely to see the faint scar where my new face joins the old under my jawline, and even that I can hide with a trace of makeup.
I will always remember my very first time with a client. I was extremely nervous, although I never let that show. I most certainly was not excited.
I did know what to do and did it very well.
That was allowing intercourse, plain and simple. To me, it might as well have been a pedicure. There were the sensations of the flesh but there were none of the mind.
That is something that is worth a comment, that “sensations of the mind” part. It is as close as I can come to what it is like.
My joy before was in pleasing my husband, I had no need for personal orgasm to reach a state of pure bliss with him. Just knowing, just feeling him, was enough for me. Dragging his seed from him, taking it deep within made me a total part of him.
Does that make sense?
The orgasm, the blinding need for that satisfaction came from elsewhere, that had nothing to do with my husband. That had only to do with me. Orgasms during intercourse were a completely different thing, almost a side effect of the act itself.
Meridith had that blanket you see, hidden from the world, none could see, reach me, harm me. It was how it was explained to me.
The things I did and the way I acted was to protect myself, yet at the same time I was punishing myself for the actions of others.
Doctor Tomlinson took that blanket off of me somehow, exposed me. He made me think, realize.
Somehow the realization made me happy.
I had been a very long time since I felt happy.
My very next client the same day that I somehow felt happy for the first time in a very long time, was Mark. He was lucky, or perhaps I was? I just cannot be sure.
Impotent, performance anxiety was his concern. Mark actually did erect quite normally, but that failed when he attempted any joining. This is not rare, it is common.
I took away all of his thoughts about needing to perform, I distracted him. Part of that was my training, part of that somehow became real.
I believe that some things are meant to be.
I thought about him often over the next few months, but I never saw him again until that day in the store. Like I mentioned, some things are just meant to be.
So think of this? I ended up married to a man that the very first time I ever saw him in my life was in my office. That meeting ended with us having sex, my own surprise was I enjoyed it very much.
It was the first full orgasm I had with a man in nearly a decade. It was not the blinding type of orgasm I can get, untouched but viewed by “accident” in public places. Those cause me to momentarily become helpless as they waft over me.
No, instead my body released with Mark in a way I had all but forgotten. It was warm, right.
When we met again, we dated, learned about each other, started over. For both of us, it was like that office visit did not exist, to this day we have not discussed it.
It would be so wonderful to say that everything is perfection now, that would be a lie.
Mark still has periods when he has trouble performing. I am still very good at overcoming that.
Usually, yet not always. Mark knows that he need not complete the act to please me, and I know the same about him.
That often is the simple key to success, the total lack of pressure to perform.
I am still a raging exhibitionist, that part of me never went away. It never will so I allowed myself to come to terms with that. Mark knows all about it and is not concerned. It doesn’t even excite him, he simply accepts me completely the way I am.
Our little Julia is a wonder, she is the most beautiful thing in the world. I chose to nurse her, Mark never said a word about that.
He does love to sit and watch me do that.
A few times I have nursed Mark. That is fun and I can see he really likes that.
We often have close friends over, mostly it is one couple that lives a few blocks away, they come over quite a bit. Walt is older, close to fifty, his wife Marty is younger, barely in her thirties. Walt is mildly balding, and has a bit of a pot belly on him. He is one of those quiet and mild types of men that it is impossible to dislike, and I doubt you could make him mad.
Marty on the other hand is bubbly, outgoing, and always cracking jokes. She has a tiny little pot belly on her, a medium bust.
They dropped by one afternoon and we were sitting around outside, Mark was trying hard to get a fire going in the outdoor grill and we were teasing him about leaving him there while we all went to get Chinese. At that point we had only just met, we had seen them perhaps 2 or 3 times.
Julia was sleeping in a shady area, everybody always peeks in at her when they get near her, of course she woke up and started to yell, it was a series of little bahis siteleri yips combined with half crying. I knew that sound very well, it was her way of letting me know she wanted food. I was also beginning to leak some through my blouse which tells me it’s close to feeding time.
Marty picked her up and held her, Julia instantly began to search around for a nipple.
“No luck here, honey, let’s take you over to Mommy.” She said to Julia in that silly sing song baby talk.
Marty handed her to me, I opened my blouse and leaned her to me. Instantly Julia settled down and began to nurse.
They both knew that I nursed Julia of course, that was rather obvious from the two damp spots in my blouse. But they had never actually seen it. I just leaned back, it is such a pleasurable experience.
Marty’s eyes opened slightly in surprise, probably since her husband Walt was sitting right there watching. He just grinned and went back to teasing Mark who now actually had smoke coming out of the grill.
“I never nursed either one of my boys, I was always afraid I would get caught somewhere with people around.” She told me.
“I just nurse her whenever she tells me she wants to.” I smiled up at Marti.
“Don’t people look at you?”
“Sure, I don’t mind.”
“Honey, that is beautiful to watch.” Walt said.
“You wouldn’t have minded if I did that in public?” Marty asked Walt, a surprised look on her face.
“Not at all, I think I would have enjoyed that.” He grinned at her. Marty blinked a couple of times, then she smiled.
Just then Julia kicked her feet which told me she had enough, I set her in my lap and reached down to button my blouse. Satiated, Julia often nibbles at my blouse, even in her sleep.
“So what would you really do if I had nursed the boys right out in public?” Marty grinned at Walt.
He just shrugged and grinned.
“Can I?” Marty asked, looking over at me. I knew instantly what she meant.
I laughed and handed Julia over to her, Marty opened her blouse and peeled down one bra cup, held Julia to herself. She kept her back towards Walt and Mark. Julia poked around a little bit, realizing this was something new. Then she found Marty’s very large black nipple and latched on, settling down into what I knew was pacifier mode.
“Well, it looks like we will have some help keeping Julia quiet.” I told Mark.
He looked over and grinned, then went back to trying to get his fire hot enough to cook on.
“Pay attention, Walt. You could learn a few things here, this feels good!” She giggled at him.
We all roared at that, the way Marty said it was hilarious. Then she sat down in one of the lawn chairs, one breast pressed to Julia and the other one hanging bare.
After that, no one really paid any attention, Marty took to letting Julia nuzzle her when I was busy with something. She seemed to really enjoy it.
Then one day just a couple of weeks later we were sitting around in the lawn chairs, it was one of those late Summer days with no wind, in the low 80’s, perfect.
Julia started to fuss, Marty went over and picked her up. She slipped the straps off of her halter top and pressed Julia to her. Marti now showed no shyness at all in baring her breasts with the rest of us around. Julia makes a quiet murmur when she nurses, it changes when she stops or I run out of milk and need to switch breasts.
I looked over, surprised, Julia sounded like she was feeding. Mark knew it also, he turned his head towards Marty in surprise.
Marty looked up at me, grinning.
“I am starting to make milk.” She said. Then she switched Julia over to the other breast. There was a spot of milk on her nipple.
“See?” She grinned up at me. She reached down with her free hand and squeezed, another droplet of milk appeared.
“That is amazing!” I said.
“Looks like you will save a fortune in groceries!” Walt wisecracked.
We all laughed some more at that. I did notice that Mark paid almost no attention to the fact that Marty was baring her breasts, just like he never really reacted to me doing that. Walt on the other hand always looked, and he seemed to enjoy it.
I know I did, it gave me a small familiar tingle knowing he was looking at me so I usually bared both of my breasts when feeding Julia.
Over a period of just a few of our visits back and forth Marty began to spend more time topless than she did with her top on. I did the same, although we both did stay covered when other neighbors came around. I nursed Julia in front of others though, I used a small soft blanket but that didn’t really help much. I know everyone saw me at one time or another.
No one ever really said anything.
Then one afternoon Marty and I were in the kitchen, we were ganging up on a potato salad.
“Meridith, would you get upset if I sunbathed nude this afternoon?”
“Why would I get upset?” I asked her.
“Oh, I just wondered. Are you and Mark going to be comfortable with that?”
“I like being bahis şirketleri looked at.” I admitted.
“You do? So do I.” She grinned at me.
“Want to surprise our guys?”
“Sure, that sounds like fun!” I knew what she meant.
Marty peeled off her shorts, She was completely hairless. I grinned at that and peeled off my own.
The look on Walt and Mark’s faces was priceless when we walked out carrying the big bowl of salad and some plates.
“I see our ladies have decided to be completely comfortable.” Walt said, looking over at Mark.
“Well, when in Rome!” Mark stood up, reached for his belt. Walt did the same.
Walt was about normal size, he was showing signs of erecting. Mark of course is very large as men I have known go, he looked to be in his perfectly normal state.
I felt an almost overwhelming urge to go over to him, make him hard.
“I see why you are so happy!” Marty nudged with a whisper.
From that day on we were all usually naked or nearly naked whenever we got together.
Marty and I became close to inseparable after that. We shopped together, played together, we went to the gym once each week together. The gym was fun, Marty worked like a dog trying to get rid of her tiny little pot belly, but she was also addicted to ice cream cones so that was a losing battle.
I didn’t have any pot belly at all.
When we were at the gym we teased the men there with no mercy, each of us tried to outdo the other by seeing just how skimpy we could get away with with our outfits.
We always seemed to have lots of help. I loved the bench press, I could lie on my back with my feet on the floor, I either wore one of my tiny little bikini bottoms or a pair of loose shorts sometimes.
I was at 120 pounds fairly easily on the bench press because I spent a lot of time on it. My goal was 150 pounds but I still haven’t gotten there.
It did look like as soon as I got to the machine, nearly every man in the place would suddenly need to go past to the locker room or change machines.
Several times I went into one of those crashing orgasms, knowing that some of the people there could see me. A couple of times I almost lost control of the weight bar, but I always used a spotter.
Marty noticed that and pointedly asked me about it. I was honest and explained that I could climax that way without being touched. She acted very interested in that.
One day Marty and I were working out, she decided to use the bench press. I was sitting nearby on a bow machine, Marty lay back and there was nothing underneath the shorts she had on.
Her face flushed when Tim, one of the other clients walked up and stood at her feet, asking her if she wanted him to spot for her. She grinned and nodded.
I watched all of that with interest, getting a small tingle myself. That was the first time I ever saw Marty fully expose herself in the gym.
On the way home that afternoon, Marty looked over at me and grinned.
“I never really did anything like that before, I see why you like it. Now I am so horny I could screw the gearshift lever!”
We both laughed, I dropped her off at her house and watched as she actually ran inside.
Poor Walt, I knew he was going to get it for sure.
I thought about that all the way home. Marty was a little bit like me.
Mark was sitting in his recliner when I walked in the door.
“How was the gym, honey?” He asked me, looking up. Then he grinned at the expression on my face.
“Good day, huh?” He stood up. The halter top I was wearing was damp, my breasts were nice and full. Very often I leak a little when working out at the gym, that always gets me watched, but Marty’s display topped mine this day.
I didn’t really mind, watching her do that had me as horny as I can get. Mark stepped up to me, his big hands brushing up my sides to cup my breasts. He slid one strap off my shoulder, leaned down to suckle me as I stood there.
That makes my knees tremble, it feels so good and safe. It feels so good to please my man. I let the vision of that day Doctor Tomlinson had me blatantly expose my breasts to two men in his office fill my mind.
That only lasts for seconds, then other visions flood in. Fantasy blended in with reality, memories. Mark switched to my other breast, still suckling in pleasure. My first small orgasm flooded through me, it always does at moments like this.
As Mark pressed me back towards our couch, I thought of what tomorrow would be like. My appointment, Doctor Tomlinson. He likes to keep in touch, to see how I am doing. He hopes to cure me of the need to exhibit myself, at least that is what he tells me.
I know he likes to look at me, even though he has never suggested anything at all. He gets red faced and breaks a sweat sometimes.
I will wear a very short little dress, I will let the good Doctor look right up between my legs as he sits in his chair and I lie back on the couch. I will relax as we talk, then open my legs so he can see me as I reach a climax. The expression he always has on his face is wonderful. I know he likes that.
I like that myself, I am still a very bad girl. I also understand that to some I am insane.
Meridith is just fine with that.